The last 5 years or so I have made painting much more of a priority in my life. Before that, I never felt like I was good enough, good enough to put myself out there, and let society see the real me. I didn't feel like anyone cared, that anyone would even buy my art, and thought it was a waste of my time. I still always painted, but it was definitely much more of a hobby, only making paintings for my family and friends, and painted on vacations when I travelled.
The more I have painted, the more my self-esteem and power have increased in my life. I am realizing more than ever that it is a part of who I am, and screw it if no one likes it. I like it, and that's all that really matters. The process of trying something new with every piece gives me great satisfaction, even if it is a very minimal step forward. Every time I take a look at my older art pieces, I am amazed with how far I have come. Many, I will always treasure, because I remember when I finished that particular older painting, and my light inside exploded when I realized I made a new hurtle in my knowledge of creating. Yes, I would do that piece completely differently now, but that is why it is so great. I can look back and remember a moment in time how inspired I was, and that gives me hope for another spark of imagination.
Living alone through the pandemic also has
given me great perspective, because it did help me realize who I really am without all of the distractions. Two months in a literal lockdown will make anyone look at themselves more than once. I didn't dare look at my physical appearance, I knew how horrendous that was. Yoga pants, t-shirt, ratty bathrobe, Nanny's knitted vest on top of that. Birkenstock's with slipper socks. My God is it a look to behold. Probably why I hate Zoom so damn much. Leave me alone in my ugly comfiness at home! Don't judge me.
I began delving into meditation, because I knew I have always needed it, but never took the necessary time to develop this skill. So inward I went, and my spirit guides had much to tell me. They didn't show themselves until then, because I didn't try before. Now, I needed them, more than ever. I knew I was mentally blocking myself from many paths towards my future, and I needed to know why that was. This is when I also started dabbling with crystals and tarot cards, because what could it hurt? I've always been attracted to crystals, ever since I was a little girl. I needed all the help I could get quite honestly, along with some good old classic therapy by my favorite Lucy in the world. Crystals definitely helped me focus in meditation, many of my chakras have become blocked over a lifetime of traumas and toxic relationships that have drained me dry. Trying to pick up on my basic intuition, and selecting pieces that call to me, have been huge. I highly recommend Lapis Lazuli (a favorite of Cleopatra's), Amethyst (best to calm), and Rose Quartz (best to love yourself). Always try to find a local, sustainable crystal shop, I have many wonderful sellers in my area that sell stones collecting from their miner worker friends, or from collections of their own. Beadles Bead Shop, Pisces in Orbit Crystals, One Urban Tribe, and Kari Lynn Jewelry are all wonderful places I have found thoughtfully sourced crystals. Placing them under my pillow at night also has helped, as I tend to have intensely vivid dreams, sometimes not so nice. With the crystals, I have noticed the dreams do not seem to affect me as much, or at least I don't wake up in a sweat anymore. Nothing like sleeping in your own sweat. Gross.
I started more intuitively painting, which I think is what I was always meant to do. Doing commissions for people I do sometimes, but I am noticing it is not where I shine. I think I am still developing my style, of course I always will be, but when I let my inner child out to play, is where my paintings really sparkle. Letting myself be guided by photographs I or my sister, Allyson, have taken, has been a great tool. My sister and I see the world in a similar way, so I think it is why I work best with her photographs. Many moments in nature only last that, a moment, and a photograph can capture that fairly well. But, many times the photograph flattens everything you saw with your own eyes. I, and my sister of Good Bites and Glass Pints, knows that very well, so we always go in and edit everything later that day to how we actually saw it, so that we remember. Then I have a more reliable reference when I start a painting sometimes months later. If I took a photo of the moment, I usually remember it very well, and this helps immensely capture the emotion I am striving for. Because what is a painting without evoking an emotion?
I also just love trying new ideas and abstractions from my imagination, and I hope to do much more of this in the future. I think with more self-confidence, more of this will come. And I am excited to see what the new me will bring.